Harry Potter Help Line
by L-X-R
Summary: The characters tell me their problems and I solve itor not. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Here you go. Thanks Maidenhair for giving me permission to make a Harry Potter help line.

Dear LXR,

Why is Voldemort trying to kill me? I know why, it's because of the stupid prophecy, but is there more?

Harry Potter

Dear HP,

I have come up with a solution! He thinks you are sooooooo nosy, he needs to get rid of you. In other words, you should have listened to the teachers and NOT gone back into the forbidden room to solve the sorcerer's stone mystery. You should NOT gone to save Ginny. You should NOT have done things you weren't supposed to do!

LXR

Dear LXR,

You're mean. Ginny's my girlfriend.

Harry Potter

Dear HP,

Am not! And I know Ginny's your girlfriend.

LXR

Dear LXR,

I hate Harry. But everyone is on his side. Is there a way to…do something about this?

Draco Malfoy

Dear DM

Kidnap Ginny

LXR

Dear LXR

How?

Draco Malfoy

Dear DM,

Ask Fred and George for help. Then you won't be in so much trouble.

LXR

Dear LXR

I read that

Ginny

Dear G,

Good. Keep Harry away.

LXR

Dear LXR,

I am so confused. Everyone talks about Sirius' death and Voldemort and stuff like that. I don't even know who Barty Crouch and Ludo Bagman is.

Ignorant Harry Admirer That Eats Bad Obsessive Objects Killing Snape

Dear I.H.A.T.E.B.O.O.K.S.,

Maybe you should read a book. What's with your name anyway?

LXR

Dear LXR,

I want a unicorn NOW!

Bobby Rides A Tiny Tiger

Dear B.R.A.T.T.,

Great! Go tell your mother:)

LXR

Dear LXR,

She said no

Bobby Rides A Tiny Tiger

Dear B.R.A.T.T.,

Why are you telling me? I won't give you one. They're mine MINE!

LXR

Dear LXR,

WHHAAAA!

Bobby Rides A Tiny Tiger

Dear LXR,

I love reading your column. You should submit it in _The Quibbler_.

Luna Lovegood

Dear L.L.,

Thank you. I shall consider it.

LXR

Dear LXR,

Why do you answer to Looney so nicely?

Ronald Weasley

Dear R.W.,

Because she's nicer than you, WonWon.

LXR

Dear LXR,

Don't call me WonWon!

Ron Weasley

Dear WonWon,

I will. Thanks Lavender!

LXR


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to another round of **HP Help line**

Dear LXR,  
Ron likes Hermione. I just know it! How can I get him back?  
Lavender Brown

Dear LB,  
Use Love potions.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
That's cruel!  
Lavender Brown

Dear LB,  
Well, maybe you could tell Krum to take Hermione to his Magic castle in the clouds  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Krum has a castle in the clouds?  
Obsessive Krum Fans Racing Against Nasty Cedric Enthusiast

Dear O.K.F.R.A.N.C.E,  
Yep, you need a broom to get there.  
His address is 24601 Cosette's get away, Castle on a Cloud, France  
Oh dear, you may need a les Miz help line…  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I Love Harry! Is there a way to meet him! And Ron is awesome! Can you tell them they're both my idols! I am their number one fan girl!  
I Love Underage Vulgar Harry And Impressive Ronald. Yay!

Dear I.L.U.V.H.A.I.R.Y.,  
If you said you love Harry, why is the abbreviation of your name spelt I Luv Hairy?  
LXR

Dear Harry and Ron,  
Some fan girl likes you both  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I don't really care  
Harry

Dear LXR,  
Really?  
Ron

Dear LXR,  
I Want A Squirrel Now!  
Bobby Rides a Tiny Tiger

Dear B.R.A.T.T.,  
Now you want a squirrel? Go ask Willy Wonka on his help line…  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Luna said something disturbing. She said that the line 'In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came' applies to me. I figured it meant the dreams I had of Voldemort. Where does she get this prophecy?  
Harry Potter

Dear HP,  
If you really want to know, go ask Maidenhair on her POTO Help Line.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I bet you a million dollars that in the fifth movie, Ginny is going to die!  
Ignorant Harry Admirer That Eats Bad Obsessive Objects Killing Snape

Dear I.H.A.T.E.B.O.O.K.S.,  
Give me the money. It's not Ginny.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
How do you know?  
Ignorant Harry Admirer That Eats Bad Obsessive Objects Killing Snape

Dear I.H.A.T.E.B.O.O.K.S,  
I read the books  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I was reading your help line and I noticed someone said my girlfriend was going to die! Can I hex whoever it is?  
Harry Potter

Dear HP,  
Be My Guest.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Fred and George say they're too busy to help me.  
Draco Malfoy

Dear Fred and George,  
Go help Draco Malfoy. We need some Amusement  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Can Peeves help?  
Fred and George

Dear Fred and George,  
Anything it takes to make Harry regret he ever was mean to poor Draco  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Who are you?  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,  
Who are you?  
LXR


	3. Chapter 3

Dear LXR,  
I asked you first. Who Are You?  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,  
Yeah, well I asked second. But here's a better question. Are you part of Harry Potter? If not – 'just walk away…'. I luv that song!  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
There's no such things as 24601 Castle on a cloud…whatever.  
Lavender Brown

Dear LB,  
Yes there is. It's only for Krum fans though. Maybe it doesn't work because you're a Ron fan and not a Krum fan.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
What if I gave Hermione a love potion to make her like Malfoy?  
Lavender Brown

Dear LB,  
Whatever. Just letting you know he's off kidnapping Ginny  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I am in the Harry Potter books, I rule them all!  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,  
Well, who are you? J. K. Rowling?  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
No. Who's J. K. Rowling?  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,  
Tell me all your secrets, I promise I won't reveal them. If I think your secrets are evil enough, then you can write in this help line forever!  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I haven't seen Ginny for a week  
Harry Potter

Dear HP,  
I don't have a clue where she went…maybe she was kidnapped by Voldemort…  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I require your help. My problem is Lavender Brown. She has been extremely nice to me for the past few days. My question for you is: Should I trust her?  
With All Due Respect,  
Hermione Granger

Dear HG,  
Why are you asking me? Anyway, my advice is to tell me Krum's real address.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
My sister wants to complain that she is in Ravenclaw but in the movie they put her as Gryffindor.  
Parvati Patil

Dear PP,  
Can't help. Tell Padma to tell Warner Bros.  
LXR


	4. Chapter 4

Dear LXR,  
Well, ever since my horcruxes started vanishing, I like to bathe in a pink bubble bath and I love polka dots but they don't fit with my costume. I'm having my second childhood so I love playing with Barbie's. I love to dress up as a rabbit on Easter, and I love playing on swings. Hmm…did you know I still wet my bed?  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,  
Ha! I know who you are! Ha! You are an old, cracked version of Lord Voldemort! Ha! I will never teach you how to spit as long as I live! Ha!  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I think Ginny's been kidnapped!  
Harry Potter

Dear HP,  
Go find her  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Do you know where she went?  
Harry Potter

Dear HP,  
Away from you  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I thought you wouldn't tell who I was!  
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous (You-Know-Who),  
Smeagol lied… When you write to this help line, it ends up here.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
How dare you! I'm a ballplaying cowboy superhero soldier pirate!  
You-Know-Who

Dear LXR,  
The love potion is ready!  
Lavender Brown

Dear LB,  
Good. I'd love to know the results.  
LXR

Hey LXR,  
I believe your name is derived from the Halicorigonian word Lexritha, which it the Divine Kagamania of Torinago.  
Luna Lovegood

Dear Looney, I mean Luna L,  
Umm…look at the time…I have to go.  
LXR


	5. Chapter 5

Dear LXR,  
I've read Lavender's letter. I have a problem with that…  
Draco Malfoy

Dear Lavender Brown,  
Draco has a problem with your plan  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Sorry. Already in progress…  
Lavender Brown

Dear LXR,  
Hey! Do you know of a counter spell for love potions?  
Draco Malfoy

Dear DM,  
Ask Krum  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Do you think I can join the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?  
Remus Lupin

Dear RL,  
Why?  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Because I'm a werewolf…  
Remus Lupin

Dear RL,  
No. You should join Van Helsing. He needs a Werewolf to destroy Dracula…  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
We've got Ginny  
Fred and George

Dear F and G,  
Good! Don't write it here! Harry will read!  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Well that's the good thing with magic. You can block a letter from certain people.  
Fred and George

Dear LXR,  
I'm going to find Ginny!  
Harry Potter

Dear LXR,  
That's is so mean to Harry! Don't kidnap Ginny!  
I Love Underage Vulgar Harry And Impressive Ronald. Yay!

Dear I.L.U.V.H.A.I.R.Y.,  
I thought I got rid of you…  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I'm in love with Draco Malfoy for some reason. Where can I find him?  
Sincerely,  
Hermione Granger

Dear HG,  
Diagon Alley at the Weasley's shop.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
Hermione loves Malfoy! How dare she!  
Ronald Weasley

Dear RW,  
Yep.  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
I think it's all working out!  
Lavender Brown

Dear LXR,  
Harry's gonna get into trouble!  
Draco Malfoy

Dear Lavender Brown and Draco Malfoy,  
I love it when evil tricks start to take effect. It makes people so confused. Now we shall all dance a demented Irish jig on the table and sing drunken sailor songs in celebration of our rising evil achievements! Oy! Where did that drunken pirate go off to…  
Jack Sparrow!  
LXR

Dear LXR,  
That's Captain Jack Sparrow to you! I thought I belongeded to the POTC help line. Hey! me new movie is a-comin' out!  
Capt. Jack Sparrow


End file.
